A Lawyer Breaks the Silence About Depression Among Lawyers
By Dan Lukasik, Special to Everyday Health
When I turned 40 over 12 years ago, I was a busy lawyer working at a blistering pace at a law firm. Stress, anxiety, and caffeine were my daily fuel. While my life before this time had been punctuated by long periods of pensive sadness, nothing could have prepared me for the dark storm that was about to descend on my life.
I wasn’t sad just some of the time now. I was sad all of the time. I was crying quite a bit, but never in front of anyone. My sleep became fragmented, disjointed. I couldn’t concentrate or get things done at the office – and given all of my looming deadlines, you would think that I would be panicking…but nothing. I was lost in a deep sadness and emptiness.
I related to my therapist that I felt my life just wasn’t worth living. “Dan, it’s the depression talking.” He referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with major depression and recommended that I take three months off to rest and let the medication kick in. I was relieved that a doctor had finally diagnosed my illness. I felt soothed when he told me it wasn’t my fault, that I needed medical attention. But I also felt troubled.
I was one of four owners of my law firm, so I could delegate work to more junior members. But as the managing partner of the firm, I was expected to be the leader and was responsible for some of the firm’s largest cases. These couldn’t be handed off. My three partners noticed that I wasn’t moving business like I used to. How were they going to react to my taking so much time off from work? A lot happens in a law firm in a week, let alone three months.
Breaking the Silence About Depression
The day after I saw the psychiatrist, I met with my partners. As I spoke, it was as if something were pushing the air back down my throat into my lungs.
“I need to tell you guys that I have been pretty sick lately. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on some medications for depression. He said I needed to take off some time from work to get better.”
“How much time?” one partner snapped. It felt accusatory rather than caring. The moment he said it, I braced for what was to follow.
“Three months,” I replied.
“You’ve got so much going well for you in your life. Why the hell don’t you go on a vacation?”
The subtext was clear: If I’d only snap out of my funk and be more grateful, I wouldn’t be so depressed. Little did he know that I was depressed even when on vacation.
“Dan, you at 95 percent is better than most lawyers I know,” another partner said confidently.
“I’m not at 95 percent. I am at 5 percent,” I replied.
A worried look seemed to overtake him. Perhaps he was troubled that I hadn’t replied appropriately to his compliment. I also thought that his words were meant to diminish the problem. How could it be true? I looked the same as I had all along. There was just my representation that I had depression...
I wasn’t sad just some of the time now. I was sad all of the time. I was crying quite a bit, but never in front of anyone. My sleep became fragmented, disjointed. I couldn’t concentrate or get things done at the office – and given all of my looming deadlines, you would think that I would be panicking…but nothing. I was lost in a deep sadness and emptiness.
I related to my therapist that I felt my life just wasn’t worth living. “Dan, it’s the depression talking.” He referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with major depression and recommended that I take three months off to rest and let the medication kick in. I was relieved that a doctor had finally diagnosed my illness. I felt soothed when he told me it wasn’t my fault, that I needed medical attention. But I also felt troubled.
I was one of four owners of my law firm, so I could delegate work to more junior members. But as the managing partner of the firm, I was expected to be the leader and was responsible for some of the firm’s largest cases. These couldn’t be handed off. My three partners noticed that I wasn’t moving business like I used to. How were they going to react to my taking so much time off from work? A lot happens in a law firm in a week, let alone three months.
Breaking the Silence About Depression
The day after I saw the psychiatrist, I met with my partners. As I spoke, it was as if something were pushing the air back down my throat into my lungs.
“I need to tell you guys that I have been pretty sick lately. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on some medications for depression. He said I needed to take off some time from work to get better.”
“How much time?” one partner snapped. It felt accusatory rather than caring. The moment he said it, I braced for what was to follow.
“Three months,” I replied.
“You’ve got so much going well for you in your life. Why the hell don’t you go on a vacation?”
The subtext was clear: If I’d only snap out of my funk and be more grateful, I wouldn’t be so depressed. Little did he know that I was depressed even when on vacation.
“Dan, you at 95 percent is better than most lawyers I know,” another partner said confidently.
“I’m not at 95 percent. I am at 5 percent,” I replied.
A worried look seemed to overtake him. Perhaps he was troubled that I hadn’t replied appropriately to his compliment. I also thought that his words were meant to diminish the problem. How could it be true? I looked the same as I had all along. There was just my representation that I had depression...
Read the full article at Everyday Health
http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/voices-of-experience/lawyer-breaks-silence-about-depression-among-lawyers/
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